I bought my first boob mask when I was about 15.
I was shopping in my local Priceline for a friend’s birthday present (apparently that was where I bought gifts as a teen) and spotted a small packet of goo promoting firmer breasts in one of the aisles.
My young brain found the concept hilarious and purchased the mask as a gag gift for this friend. Then I completely forgot about the existence of boob masks until the trend began taking off on Instagram.
Masking has taken on a life of its own over the past couple of years. You can find variations designed for everything from your hair to your butt, and for the most part, people seem to agree that this kind of beauty treatment works for just about anywhere.
But when I spotted an ad for a ‘boob duo’ created by beauty brand Anese that claimed to nourish and firm your ta-tas, I was sceptical.
The combo includes a scrub (Those Boobies Tho’) and a mask (‘Calm Your Tits’). Together, they’re meant to be the hydrating and gravity-defying superheroes your breasts have always wanted.
My first thoughts were: “Nourished? Sure. But firmer? How’s anything less than plastic surgery going to give my E-cup boobs a lift?”
I’m no skincare expert, though. So, I asked one.
Danielle McDonald, head facialist of Advanced Skin Spa, took a look at the products and told me the scrub has “some fantastic ingredients…that draw moisture into the skin” and that the mask features “some lovely hydrating ingredients like marine collagen” and others that “are very purifying, great for breakouts”.
But perky boobs? That takes more than honey and oatmeal.
McDonald explained that to “lift and firm without surgery” you need to work on muscle tone, then work on the “skin texture and elasticity of the breast area”.
She suggested activities like pectoral training, along with treatment options like microneedling and daily use of clinical-grade products containing Vitamin A and C.
In other words: it’s definitely not as simple as popping on a mask.
With my expectations set, I purchased the boob duo and tested them out for myself.
Here’s how it went:
Anese recommends you use the scrub and mask combo between two and three times per week, so I followed those directions dutifully.
The first thing I noticed was that the scrub felt very soft – much less coarse than I was expecting – which I liked. No-one wants their nips irritated!
I scooped out the peachy-toned mixture and rubbed it into my chest and décolletage for about a minute. In that time, I also went ahead and felt for any lumps or unfamiliar textures because, well… two birds, right?
I rinsed off and immediately noticed how soft my skin felt.
Then came mask time. I reached in, grabbed about two finger’s worth of the green goop, and smeared it all over my chest and under my boobs. The consistency reminded me a little of toothpaste, and it felt smooth on my skin.
The ‘drying process’ was less seamless.
Have you ever tried to dart out of your bathroom in a towel without letting it touch your green, slimy boobs? It’s impossible. And I’m fairly certain I flashed at least one of my roommates (sorry, Michaela).
I hung around my room awkwardly trying not to touch anything for about 20 minutes as the mask dried. Odd as it was, though, my skin was feeling peachy. No stickiness. No irritation. Nothing.
Once I noticed the mask had begun to crack and flake, I used a hand-towel and warm water to de-Hulk myself.
So, what were the results?
My skin felt noticeably better after one use, almost like my boobies had been through a detox.
After a week, I was convinced my skin looked healthier, and it felt buttery soft. But were my boobs firmer? Not even a little.
I took before and after photos, which I won’t share with you because well, I’m not sure our relationship is quite there yet, you guys … and I can undoubtedly say I saw no change in that department.
When I spoke to Ross Macdougald, a cosmetic chemist for Biologi, he explained that finding anti-ageing skincare for boobs (in this sense) is near impossible:
“The honest truth about the parts of our body that are under the stress of gravity is that there is very little we can do about it,” he said.
“…please think about what you put on your skin and the reality of it working.”
Dermatologist Mona Gohara, M.D., associate clinical professor at Yale University put it well in a recent interview with Cosmopolitan:
“For skin to be taught and plump, you need a combo of collagen and hyaluronic acid, and for breasts to look perkier, you need toned muscles, youth, or DNA,” she said.
So, long story, short: take good care of your boobs. Just don’t go expecting miracles from a clay mask.